Because it’s been so heavy the last few days, I had to share this…
Just when you thought social media couldn’t make you any dumber, it turns out it can also wreck your backside. According to Boston Medical Center researchers, scrolling on your phone while perched on the porcelain throne is basically an engraved invitation to hemorrhoids. Published in PLOS ONE, the study found toilet-scrollers had a 46% higher risk of developing the painful little devils, even after accounting for fiber intake, age, and exercise.
Turns out, when you doomscroll, you sit longer. And the longer you sit, the more pressure builds on the veins in your nether regions. So that “quick peek” at X turns into a 15-minute sit-in, which turns into calling your doctor about why your rear end feels like it’s staging a rebellion.
The Bullet Point Brief
- Breaking news from the bathroom. Using your phone on the john raises hemorrhoid risk by 46%. Thanks, progress.
- Blame the clock, not the chili. It’s not spicy food – it’s sitting too damn long.
- Phone addicts sit longer. Two-thirds of study participants admitted scrolling while pooping. Many lingered more than 5–15 minutes.
- Doctors chime in. “No pelvic floor support” while scrolling = extra pressure = pain in the butt.
- The ultimate irony. Most people are scrolling news or social media while they create… well, more “content.”
My Bottom Line
Listen, Sheet Heads – I’m not here to judge your porcelain habits. But if you’re reading this while on the can, congratulations: you’re part of the demographic slowly trading memes for hemorrhoids.
We live in a world where people can’t sit still without a dopamine drip, not even for a biological function as old as humanity itself. Cavemen didn’t need an iPhone to take care of business. But in 2025, if TikTok doesn’t keep your brain occupied, apparently your intestines just give up.
So yeah, laugh at the headline. But maybe also take the advice: do your business, flush, wash your hands, and read The Scott Sheet somewhere other than your throne. Your backside will thank you.
And for the record? If you’ve ever lingered long enough to finish War and Peace while “just checking Instagram,” the problem isn’t fiber. It’s you.
